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After a long internal fight with myself I decided that the time had come to sign up on a dating app, since the fairytale I was promised before seemed further and further away. So Bumble welcomed me to his warm pits of hell. I have used this app for quite a bit and let’s say that the whole process can be divided into levels, like in a video game. 

Level 1-  you start swiping. While swiping through your options you see different people either:  too ugly, too skinny, too young, too old, or too short, maybe I am а lesbian? Your self esteem boosts whenever you know that you notice many people like your profile or match with you. So what happens when you match with someone?

Welcome to level 2. You scroll through a couple of dickpics and then you find a person who’s willing to start a conversation.  A conversation that you will be starting over and over again dozens of times. You answer questions you remember by heart like you are following a script. The first thing you do when you start talking with someone is determine if this guy just wants to sleep with you or if he would like to actually go out somewhere with you. After being on this app for a while it becomes incredibly easy to determine, they have the same compliments - you are so cute, you are so hot, so sexy,  nothing with more than three or four syllables.  The same questions - what are you doing tonight, what are you wearing, what’s your favorite part of your body, do you wanna play truth or dare! And 90% of the time, they text you in the late evening or at night. Brutal honesty in this case has never worked better, the second you tell them you don’t want to have sex with a stranger they either ask why, and seem shocked by the fact that you do not want to bang a random dude or immediately unmatch with you. Of course there’s also another type who does not insist on one night stands out of respect, but still asks you inappropriate questions. Those are the sexters of dating apps. The guys who promise to turn your whole world around and give you the best orgasm of your life, but look like their hand was the only one who would know the wonders of their magical dick. 

Let’s say you get to level 3, meaning you are talking to a guy and it’s going well, he didn’t ghost you, didn’t do anything weird and now you decide to go out with him. Of course, dates might go differently for everybody, sometimes it’s boring when the person gives you nothing except yes and no, like he is being questioned. “Do you like music?” “ Yes.” “What about comedy?” “ Yeah, it’s alright.” “Tv shows?” “Not really…” 

I honestly feel like I blackmailed him into this date. 

Now remember the rule of the golden mean; yeah, it applies here, too. There are also guys who will never shut up about how awesome they are, and how much they achieved compared to their peers and basically give you a 45 minute lecture while you smile and node regretting wasting an amazing outfit.  Say you went to a cafe to order a couple of coffees and deserts and later decide to ask for the bill. 

Now please note that I have been dating in Dubai as well as in Armenia, and while our fellow compatriots usually insist on paying for the two coffees, in Dubai it’s different. If you are lucky you will do the dance of oh please let’s split the bill but he gently refuses. Other times you start the dance out of respect, and he hits you with a yeah. Now I will not say there’s anything wrong with splitting the bill, not at all, but I will say that you start feeling extremely dry between your legs. 

Then, you determine if there’s going to be a second date. There are few code words. “I had fun, we should do this again sometime.” - Maybe there will be another date, I am not sure. “Well, it was nice meeting you; bye.” -You will never see me again. “Text me once you’re home” -There will be a second date.

Even though dating apps are very often complete nonsense and a method to de-romanticize romance (how ironic is that), at least you can get an anecdote out of a failed date.

In late December, I matched with this Lebanese-Armenian guy on Bumble.  He stuck out in the dullness of the matches by saying some charming things and promising to give me princess treatment. 

Anyway, I went on a date with this guy the next day. First thing he told me was that he had 2 long term girlfriends, both of whom cheated on him before he could propose.

This should’ve been the first red flag, but the date went on. He told me about his obsession with cars (very common to hear while dating an Armenian guy). He also told me about how he likes to go shooting with his friends for fun. Shooting, as in, each other. This was the second red flag. 

Now the most entertaining and extremely concerning thing he told me, was when we were passing Lover’s Park. See, before it was called Lover’s Park, it was called Pushkin Park and was very thick with trees. The thickness of trees attracted couples, who used the intimate spots to conceive babies. I told him this interesting fact, to which he responded with a fun fact of his own. He, apparently, also had a fun spot like that, in front of a church. But it was not the most shocking thing. He also had a lot of fun in a confession booth inside of a church. 

As I said it was the end of December, when we met. So after the first date, at midnight on New Years Eve, he posts two stories. One regular story said “Happy New Year, everyone!”. The second “close friends” story just said “Not you though. You marry me.”

Obviously, after all of this, there was no second date.

Another “fun” date anecdote of mine was this Japanese-Korean dude I matched with in March. We had talked very briefly on Instagram and Bumble and agreed to go out. He had obviously promised me stars and heaven (like every cocky idiot on dating apps). But we hadn’t really talked. We met up at a cafe and 2 hours into the date, we left. We were walking through the streets nearby as I was telling him about Armenian history, when he put his arm on my shoulder and pulled the “Let’s go to my place and chill, baby.” Which I gently pushed away, saying “no thanks”. He was highly insistent, which tired me and I left him on the crosswalk, like a true badass.

So beware the beasts crawling out of the depths of the internet and be prepared to sacrifice your personal life for the plot. 

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